Past three years of hurt and leaving in a dark world had really let my heart to get shut down. Believing and trusting in human being is really very difficult for me to be that totally open up, even having a best friend also can't get to let me get open up to them. Why do I have such a hurtful past, leaving me to feel so insecure in the surrounding friends that I have, doesn really believe that they care much about my presence or even how I feel or whatsoever.Even my closes parent can't even let me open my heart widely, but to tell them about my daily life only. Who could I really entrust all my deepest secrets/problems that I had??? HOw could I really try to believe and trust in one person totally? I doesn know! If only things get better and I started to slowly forget about the past hurt, then it would really be a breakthrough. Nobody know how I get bully that make me remember the scene totally, getting humilated in front of the whole class and friend wasn't beside me, even the relieve teacher could not even protect me from the hurt, just letting me get humilated untill it the end of her lesson. And at that point of my life, I just have to hurt myself from letting my tears to drop down so that they would not think that I bother their humilating and making them more happy etc. I have to have strong will to stop my tears from coming out during those period of time, pretending that nothing have happened but it did really happen. Throwing all my past life in my heart and thought that I could lead a new life again with GOD, but now I know that it isn't that easy like how I think it would be. Living in a dark world and trying to get used to the dark during that period of time, is really very hurt. Nobody ever try to understand me alot and me thinking that friends that are just using me and throw me aside when I am in no use(Negative thought).
But there is just really 1 friend who did not let me think of this way, but give me encouragement and even keep the promise that I have given to her. But why didn I cherish her well, letting her went off my life? I am really not a goodie friend. If not for her, I would not have been here. Know why I say this? Because she is the only one during that time that I told her that I will not be in this world at the end of the day of the year 2008. I confess to her that I have been doing silly thing( slashing, biting myself, purposely make myself fall down, burn my wrist etc) even to the worse that I started to learn to sufficated myself. And to stop my plan of committing sucide, she have to promise me one thing, just 1 thing, that is to go out with me everyday( and she did it). She is the only one who really let me know that she care about my life... And my reason for dieing on the last day of year 2008 is because, I want my parent and grandparent to remember the day I die, because they have never ever celebrated my birthday in my whole 15 years of life at all. Only my three sibling birthday have been celebrated, but leaving me the only one. It's really hurt when looking at those photos, because there will be my elder sister,youngest sister and eldest brother together with each of their cake photo taken, but there is just not a single photo of me and cake together(it's hurt). And my wish is just that I could really see my family member celebrating with my birthday one day which is IMPOSSIBLE.
Here I want to truely apologise to my friend(you should know who eu are), I know that I should have kept my promise the other day, but I failed to do so. You kept your promise for me, but I have been continiously breaking your promise that you have given me.
Life for me wasn't that easy~ going through stages of bad experience, causing myself to stay at teacher's chalet and never thought that one day I have to land myself into the counsellor room because of all my problems.
But still, teachers and staffs never give up on me, asking me to call/message them everyday on three questions, 1)what time I came back home, 2)what I eat today and 3)whether I got feel like vomiting. The way they treat me really make me feel happy, making me get addicted to their love and wanted more and more of their love. Hoping just to see them just once everyday during school, and that I started to fall in love with their love/concern and care that they have given to me, because nobody had ever treat me that well before.
But at July, everything changed. I no longer needed them in my life, because I started to get reunited with my mum and youngest sister, I no longer hope to see one sight of them everyday(but sometime only). I no longer miss them so deeply in my heart because I started to drift away from them. How I long to write a letter to all of you, for taken care of me so well just like a mummy to me. Thanks Alot. I love you all to the max...


God is the only one who know what I am doing, who have given me trust to talk to Him just like a friend. God know my darkest secret, my weakest point of life and my difficulties in handling one of my most bad temptation that have been harming me all this while.

Labels: who really care much about her? tears drop in every words tat she had type

♥